Time feels like its standing still

My betas were great this week and so far we are all covid free. On the 18th, I have my first ultrasound where we are hoping to see a gestational sac and yolk sac. Trying to stay in the moment but my eye is on week 9. My previous losses occured between weeks 6-8 so the next few weeks are extremely scary for me. Each morning monitoring appointment feels like a hurdle I need to conquer. Each day at work feels so risky as covid is rampant in all of my four school buildings. We are doing every thing we can to stay safe. We are only going to work and/or school. We have not spent time with any friends or family on the weekends since Christmas eve. We are basically in social lockdown. Brynn is joining dance class virtually and this week we turned down two kid’s birthday party invites. Swim lessons start back up for Brynn in February but we decided to do private sessions so she is not exposed to any other kids. Brynn does seem so happy to be back in school with her friends. I am happy we sent her back but still nervous about that too. Time seems to be passing very slowly. I look at my calendar each day and count the weeks. I keep telling myself hopefully all these sacrifices will be worth it. Hopefully in a couple months, I will be in my second trimester. Hopefully covid numbers will drop. Until then I am trying to be patient and trying to stay sane.

Breathe

All week, I have been getting alerts on my apple watch to breathe. I know I have gotten these before, but it seems the alerts are much more frequent this week. Does my watch know I have been holding my breathe since the transfer? for the week prior too?

Well I’m still struggling to catch my breath today but now my heart is racing too. I just took a HPT and got a strong second line with 7dp5dt late afternoon urine. Is this our miracle? Oh, how I hope so.

This is my first tww without a strong sense of “this defintely worked” or ”this defintely didn’t work.” I have had some symptoms- cramps, slight nausea, weird vivid dreams and lots of gas. But my boobs are not tender and I’ve had no discharge. I have really not been hung up on the symptoms this time around. I have been just counting down the days. I did not plan to test today. My plan was for tomorroe morning but something came over me and I just impulsively went upstairs and did it. I thought my heart was going to come out of my chest as I peed on the stick. The line came up so quickly. I’m still in disbelief. So here I am with a very hopeful, 7dp5dt mid afternoon line and I need to exhale.

Things feel heavy

Its day 3 in the tww. things feel heavy. Brynn’s school is closed due to the covid spike so I’m working from home. I have been home for the past 11 days only leaving my house for doctor appointments and the occassional walk. I’m going stir crazy and it’s certainly making time feel like it’s crawling so slowly by. I am grateful Brynn and I are safe. I am scared to go back to work and scared to send Brynn back to school but socially and mentally we both probably need it.

I keep reminding myself this is temporary. This is an abnormally stressful situation. Soon things will get better. Soon you will know if you are pregnant. Soon the world will be safer. But i’ve been making these promises to myself for a long time now and I’m starting not to believe myself.

I’m also doing “all the things.” exercising, eating healthy, social media detox, therapy, connecting with friends, but it is barely keeping me floating above the current. any little argument with family or stressful email from school and I’m lashing out and full of anger. I don’t have any more tools in my toolbox. The combination of my anxiety, being stuck in the house during the cold winter, the omicron tsunami (as our governor put it today) and the two week wait has left me feeling so heavy, so restless, so high strung, so utterly mentally exhausted.

One Day More

I just got back from morning monitoring and I’m all cleared for transfer tomorrow. My lining is 11, type 3. I ovulated which the doctor said will give me an extra boost of progestrone. I’ve done all I can to prepare this week. I’ve been meditating and reading at night, exercising during the day, eating healthy foods, going to therapy, isolating from everyone to avoid covid and trying not to freak out.
I’m entering this transfer and 2022 (in the words of my favorite peloton instructor) a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time.
It’s been a very challenging year for me in regards to my mental health but I am proud of myself for my commitment to improvement. I know there is much more to do but I also know I am capable. I feel an inner strength I have not had during prior transfers. I usually bring a good luck charm with me to transfers but not tomorrow. I am my own good luck charm and I can not wait to be reunited with our embryo.

6 days of monitoring, 5 covid test kits, 4 breakdowns, 3 cancelled guests, 2 grateful hearts, 1 allergic reaction, and a partridge in a pear tree

This pretty much sums up the last few weeks of our “Christmas cycle.” Let me explain…

I had an allergic reaction to estradiol a few weekends ago which prompted a call to the paramedics. Luckily benadryll worked quickly and by the time the paramedics arrived my reaction was under control.

Due to the reaction, I was converted to a natural cycle. I’ve been medicine free and feeling physically pretty great. My new treadmill came in so I also have been enjoying peloton classes on a big screen.

While I’ve been feeling physically well, my mental health is another story. The omicron variant hit NJ this past week just as my morning monitoring amped up. Fear of catching covid right before my transfer left me feeling panicked. Covid is rampant at my schools and classrooms were closing left and right over the past few weeks. We also planned to host Christmas eve just as the covid numbers skyrocketed. It no longer seemed to matter that my family and my husband’s family are vaccinated/boosted and I became fearful of seeing everyone. My husband and I debated cancelling Christmas Eve many times over the past week. We ended up hosting after fedex showed up with our 5 at home covid tests yesterday afternoon. My dad helped deliver the tests to my family so everyone could test. My husband’s family managed to hunt down some tests of their own and tested too. All of our family was negative and everyone except my sister-in-law and two nephews was able to join us for Christmas Eve. Unfortunately, my nephews’ father tested positive forcing my nephews into quarantine.

While Christmas eve was great, I did feel overwhelemed and consumed with morning monitoring. I ended up having to go in six of the past seven days, including yesterday (Christmas Eve) and today (Christmas). Due to the holiday, my local fertility office has been closed the last few days so I had to drive to a farther office. This morning, I woke my daughter up to open up her gifts to ensure we would have enough time before I left for monitoring. I teared up as I left with my daughter confused and asking why I was leaving on Christmas morning.

Despite all of the stress, I am grateful for the time spent with my family last night and the magic my daughter always brings to Christmas. Watching her face light up this morning was magical and I am in a state of bliss today hanging out with my family in sweatpants. My husband and I’s hearts are full. We are also full of hope. We got word this afternoon that we will be triggering tonight on Christmas and having a NYE transfer. I will be reunited with our embryo just as transition to 2022.

Transfer rescheduled

“Two pink lines” is removed from my Christmas list as my period was two weeks late which cancelled my December 11th transfer. I have been rescheduled for December 29th so there is hope a positive pregnancy test will arrive in 2022. My doctor will no longer be doing the transfer as she is off that week. I am disappointed but trying to see the bright side. Work is insanely busy right now and I hurt my back so rationally, this week is probably not an ideal time to have the transfer. I know this and I am trying to be patient but it’s difficult when I reflect on the last 17 months. I have witnessed numerous people close to me get pregnant and have their baby in the time that I have just been trying to get/stay pregnant. Going through infertility treatment makes me feel like I am in a state of waiting and this big important piece of my life is on hold. So sometimes having to wait even a few weeks feels torturous. I feel like I go through my day carrying this invisible, yet heavy burden. Maybe the burden is part grief, maybe its part unfinished business (aka treatment), maybe its fear of another loss, maybe its just a longing to reunite with my embryo or complete our family. Maybe it’s all these things pieced together. I feel tired and heavy and anxious.

Checking In with Myself

17 days away from transfer and I’m currently waiting for my period to arrive so we can get this show on the road. I was due yesterday but it’s not here. I got that passing thought today ”Could I be pregnant naturally?” but I quickly dismissed it. Sometimes I laugh at myself for even having that thought. Like why does my brain even go there…I’ve never gotten pregnant naturally. Not once. I can not even fathom what that is like.

I’ve managed to keep my anxiety at bay the last couple weeks. Running has truly been my medicine. No matter how I feel when I step on that tread, at the end of the run I am centered. I know I will have to stop running soon which is such a bummer. I wish I could take my calm energy and bottle it up for next month. I’m hoping the busyness of the holidays coupled with the craziness of work will make the waiting go faster but I also worry it may just compound the stress. Only time will tell. So for now I just have to let go and breathe and run…

Feeling hopeful for the first time in a long time

The egg retrieval was eventful, thats for sure. I had 50 follicles the day before surgery and was feeling awful. i had a breakdown a few days before the procedure that included me wailing, crying “no more.” It was not my finest hour. I went into the surgery looking 4 months pregnant and feeling incredibly uncomfortable. I was scared and overwhelemed. I was having regrets about putting my body through such an ordeal again. I felt like I was inevitably going to get OHSS again. I ended up having a panic attack ten minutes before my procedure. I guess there some lingering PTSD from my last retrieval 6 years ago.

Well now I am 18 days out from the procedure. We had 41 eggs retrieved, 24 eggs fertilized, and 14 that made it to day 6. we tested 10 of the 14 (because well $). I have 8 normal embroyos frozen as well as 5 additional embryos (1 was inconclusive and the other 4 were not tested). We got the good news right after a family photoshoot. It’s hard to describe the rollercoaster of feelings I experienced over a matter of weeks. With one simple call from my doctor I went from broken, resentful, exhausted to grateful, hopeful and motivated.

Now I am 5 weeks and 1 day away from transfer. We are doing a gender blind transfer. I’m letting myself dream of a baby in my arms for a few seconds now before telling myself to stop. I know it’s only a matter of time before the floodgates open and my short daydreams grow to be all consuming thoughts throughout the day. I’m terrified but I’m hopeful and that’s something…

Update on Stim #2

Just a quick update- I got my period a bit earlier then expected so we started meds on Oct. 7th. On the 7th, I had a ton of follicles again, which I should probably be happy about as I am much older this time around but honestly it just scared me about getting OHSS all over again. I went back today and there are still a lot. I’m taking menopur this time with the follitism and then tommorrow add in another medication. I already feel like crap- bloated and a bit nauseous. Not being to exercise is killing me as that’s my first line of defense for stress. I also went to two social events over the weekend and couldn’t drink. Not a big deal but defintely was trying to hide it at the one party because all my neighbors were drinking and passing out shots. I need this week to go fast. I’m hoping for a retrieval over the weekend so I don’t have to use a sick day. I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around having a surgery this week. I pray this will all be worth it.