The last 18 days have been filled with so many emotions.
After finding out we were having twins and becoming a family of five, I admittedly had a hard time accepting what our new life might look like. I would have to get a car with a third row or a van, I would not have the independence to go places on my own without the help of another adult for awhile, we would not be able to afford the vacations I had planned to take, I would have to consider maybe working less hours so I could have more time to manage our household , we would have to swing double daycare, cars, college…my mind was abuzz with fear. Fear for the financial strain but mostly for the lost of a lot of things I LOVE about our current life. Fear of losing the freedom I have as mom, as an individual. I had put a lot of work into ensuring Brynn was a good traveler by taking her on car trips and airplane trips from a young age. I can take her to restaurants, to NYC, to day trips, anywhere. Before the pandemic she was used to being out and about and enjoyed it just as much as me. I made sure my husband and I still had date nights and time with her friends. I had created a balanced life that I loved. I knew I would sacrifice some of that by having another child but with three children, I began to feel like I would have to sacrifice it all. I kept trying to tell myself but there will be more love, more laughter- our house will be chaotic and loud but it will be beautiful chaos. I wouldn’t care about all I was losing because I would gain so much. I told myself I should feel lucky this worked. It is another miracle. I reminded myself of this over and over but I would lying if I said I fully believed it yet. Although I was gaining faith that I would believe it, that these feelings would come true. I would feel the same way about this pregnancy that I felt about my last. I would feel the same way about these babies as I feel about my daughter. Pure obsession and love.
THEN there was the feelings prompted by my google searches. You see at the appointment on Sept 22, my doctor mentioned that my twins may be monochronic. She went on to say “don’t google it but you could have a high risk and complicated pregnancy with bed rest.” She then added “it would be hard but you will have your babies.” So what did I do the first chance I was alone, I googled exactly what she told me not to google. I found out that I could be having mono mono twins (sharing same sac and placenta) or mono di twins (sharing same placenta and different sac). And then I went down a rabbit hole… I thought having a third row vehicle would suck …what I was reading was some of my worst fears…
babies born still, babies born before 30 weeks, having to go to the hospital at 24 weeks for bed rest and constant monitoring, cords tangling, twin transfusion syndrome, procedures were parents had to choose which baby lived and which one died, months in the NICU, children with serious health issues…
The fear took ahold of me. I began to have some terrible thoughts. Maybe I should have never done this transfer. Our lives are going to be so hard. The thoughts were dark and made me feel guilty and like a bad mom, a bad person. Again, I tried to tell myself, we could get through this too. Whatever comes our way, we will handle it. I really did not believe these things yet but I was trying to.
so what came next? An obsession about whether my identical twins were mono mono (sharing the same placenta and sac) or mono di (sharing the same placenta but different sacs). I studied the ultrasound pics. I studied others ultrasounds online. I visited messaging boards, read scientific studies, I researched this shit like my life depended upon it. My doctor told me at the next appointment, she would look for a dividing membrane. Right now the twins looked to be in the same sac but it may be too early to tell.
At my appointment on October 1, I saw the twins again. They were bigger and I immediately saw flickering hearts. The doctor turned on the sound and I heard two strong heartbeats. It was amazing and terrifying all at once. I marveled a bit about how they were together. How they already had each other and thank god because their mom was kinda a mess right now. What we did not see was a clear dividing membrane. My instructions from the doctor were to make an appointment with a maternal fetal specialist so they could make the diagnosis of mono mono or mono di. I would then come back for one more appointment at fertility. I was also told to schedule my OB appointment too. This was it…I was graduating. This graduation seemed so much different then my first.
so I went home and continued my google searches for the next week…. slowly the searches began to transition to more positive subjects like pictures of smiling twins, names that go together, double strollers and success stories about mono mono and mono di twins. I was warming up to the idea of a family of five.
I went into my final fertility appointment yesterday, more accepting of being a mom of three but still terrified about the challenges that may lie ahead. But at yesterday’s appointment, all of the feelings I had felt for the last 18 days no longer mattered. The heartbeats were gone, the babies had stopped growing. My twins are in heaven. Again a flood of so many emotions has filled my mind…
