My heart is broken. My best friend lost her baby today at 30 weeks pregnant. I woke up this morning to a text message from her that read “Are you awake?” It was 6am my time (NJ) and 3am her time (CA). I immediately knew this was going to be one of those terrible phone calls. I knew someone had passed away or something terrible had happened. I selfishly paused two minutes before responding to her trying to wake up and prepare myself. When I responded “yes are you ok?” My phone rang. In between hysterics, she explained to me that she was at the hospital after decreased fetal movement and the doctors couldn’t find a heartbeat. She was going to have to deliver the baby. She said she felt like she was in a nightmare. She said she didn’t want to go through delivery. I was in shock. I didn’t cry. I stayed calm somehow and listened. My mind raced. I tried to remember how I felt when I had my loss. I tried to think of something comforting to say. I also tried to think of the things people said that were hurtful to avoid saying them. I also rubbed my own belly and feared for the little one inside of me. It was just last night before I was going to sleep, I told my husband I haven’t felt my baby move a lot this weekend and asked him if he thought I should call the doctor. I was reassured by a few kicks before I fell asleep but now that fear was creeping back in. Again the traumatic effects of my miscarriage were present. I thought those demons had been battled. For a few seconds, I was convinced this too was not only going to happen to me but probably already had. I tried to push my own fears and paranoia away. I tried to be present with her. I tried to send her love and comfort and strength. We talked for a little while longer. I could only understand about half of what she was saying because she was crying so hard. I wanted to cry with her but for some reason I couldn’t. A numbness hung over me. She told me she would update me and that it may be a day or so before she delivers. I sent a few text messages during the day but have not heard anything back yet. I can’t stop thinking my friend is in her own personal hell right now delivering a lifeless baby. I can’t imagine the trauma she is experiencing. I can’t imagine that decisions she will have to make. I wish so badly I could be at the hospital with her. She feels so far.