Invisible

Everyone is passing me by.
(the thought that keeps creeping into my head)

My sister is pregnant, five months after our miscarriages (that occurred the same week). My cousin who did ivf a few months after me is pregnant. My friend who had a transfer two weeks after me is pregnant. My sister in law who got pregnant around the same time as me scheduled her induction.

I am thrilled for each of these women in my life. They are so deserving of becoming moms. Three of them have had miscarriages. Two of them have done ivf. Their pregnancies have brought joyful tears to my eyes. I pray for them to have healthy deliveries and I can not wait to meet their babies.

There is not a “BUT” to these feelings but there is an “AND”

I am so happy for them AND so sad for myself. I feel like I’m on a train platform watching them speed by me on their respective trains. I am waiting for a train to stop and pick me up too but one is not coming for me. I’m all alone on the platform and no one is coming to get me. The last train that passes me by has my sister on it. She doesn’t even see me when she goes by. She’s smiling and laughing. She doesn’t even see me. No one sees me anymore. It’s like I’m invisible.

my sister calls or texts me every day with a pregnancy question or update on how she is feeling. I’m waiting for her to say “hey are you ok?” Or “I wish you were pregnant too” but she doesn’t. My sister in law calls me about my other sister in laws baby shower that we are hosting. I wait for her to maybe check in or bring up the miscarriage. I would have been having my babies now too. It’s like her and my mother in law forgot. My mom makes me scratch off the fake lottery ticket announcing my sisters pregnancy and records my reaction on her phone. I wait for her to call me a few days later and say how are you doing. Maybe realize that scratch off announcement may have been better in private for me. She never does. She sends me a copy of the video instead. My grief is invisible and I feel like I can’t bring it up to them.

one person has asked me how I am. My youngest sister said “I’m sure the pregnancy announcement was hard for you.” I feel seen and validated by her. I know she sees me but I also don’t want to put these feelings on her. I don’t want her to feel like she is in an awkward spot if I tell her my other sisters pregnancy text messages are hurting me. And I don’t want to risk her telling my other sister to stop sending them. I don’t want my pain to impact anyone’s joy. I just want to not feel guilty about having my pain.

2 thoughts on “Invisible

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