We are “out”

In my last conversation with my fertility nurse in March, I told her let’s plan for an April cycle/May retrieval but to check in with me first. I was very open with her that I was not sure if I would be ready but I don’t want to lose my spot in case I was. Also logistically it made sense to have a May retrieval as I have a number of family events including my sisters wedding over the next few months that I wanted to work around. I did not want to sacrifice attending important events after I’ve essentially been in my house isolated for the last year because of the pandemic.

At the end of last week, I received a voicemail from the nurse to confirm we are starting, an email from the finance person to submit the payment for embryo testing and a voicemail from my prescription carrier that my medications have been approved. I froze. I panicked. I cried. I procrastinated about responding for three days.

Yesterday, I received another message about medication. I told my husband we need to talk and I need to respond to these messages. We then had a tough conversation about where to go from here. We concluded that this is not the right time for us. I just could not picture getting in my car and going to that office again. I couldn’t picture going for the egg retrieval. Injecting myself with medication. All of the thoughts of treatment made me feel triggered and overwhelmed. My heart is still broken and I don’t know if it can take any more heartbreak. I don’t want to open myself up to the possibility of enduring any more. I’ve been telling people since I had my daughter that I am good with one child and that if we had another it would be for her. The truth is that has been a lie I’ve been telling myself to protect myself. I want another but I don’t know how much more I can emotionally give to this process. I’m scared the anger and hurt and bitterness I have been experiencing will never leave my heart if I experience another loss or another failure. So we are not moving forward. I’m going to try to be patient with myself and continue healing. We have family trip in a week and a half that I’ve been looking forward to. My heart is broken but I do have faith the time with my family will leave me feeling more grateful and whole.

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